“I sometimes visualize the ongoing cycle of racism as a moving walkway at the airport. Active racist behavior is equivalent to walking fast on the conveyor belt. The person engaged in active racist behaviour has identified with the ideology of White supremacy and is moving with it. Passive racist behaviour is equivalent to standing still on the walk way. No overt effort is being made, but the conveyor belt moves the bystanders along to the same destination as those who are actively walking. Some of the bystanders may feel the motion of the conveyor belt, see the active racists ahead of them, and choose to turn around, unwilling to go to the same destination as the White supremacists. But unless they are walking actively in the opposite direction at a speed faster than the conveyor belt - unless they are actively antiracist - they will find themselves carried along with the others.”—
Beverly Daniel Tatum - “Why are all the black kids sitting together in the cafeteria?” (via newanddifferentsun)
“The word transgender never needs the extraneous “ed” at the end of the word. In fact, such a construction is grammatically incorrect. Only verbs can be transformed into participles by adding “-ed” to the end of the word, and transgender is an adjective, not a verb.”—Transgender or Transgendered? - The Huffington Post Guilty :S I never knew there was a difference. I need to go change my tags.
We have the tendency to make assumptions. The problem with making assumptions is that we believe they are the truth. We could swear they are real. We make assumptions about what others are doing or thinking - we take it personally - then we blame them and react by sending emotional poson with our word. That is why wherever we make assumptions, we’re asking for problems. We make an assumption, we misunderstand, we take it personally, and we end up creating a whole big drama for nothing.
Most of the sadness and drama you have lived in your life was rooted in making assumptions and taking things personally.
Becuase we are afraid of asking for clarifications, we make assumptions. It is always better to ask questions.
The ‘mitote’ in the human mind creates a lot of chaos. We only see what we want to see, hear what we want to hear. We don’t perceive things the way they are. We have a habit of dreaming with no basis in reality. We dream things up in our imaginations. Because we don’t understand something, we make an assumption about the meaning, and when the truth comes out the bubble of our dream pops and we find out it was not what we thought at all.
Making assumptions in our relationships is really asking for problems. Often we make the assumption that our partners know what we think and that we don’t have to say what we want. We assume they’re going to do what we want because they know us so well.
It is very interesting how the human mind works. We have the need to justify everything, to explain and understand everything, in order to feel safe. We have millions of questions that need answers because there are so many things that the reasoning mind cannot explain. It is not important if the answer is correct; just the answer itself makes us feel safe. This is why we make assumptions.
If others tell us something, we make assumptions and if they don’t, we make assumptions to fulfill our need to know and to replace the need to comunicate. We make assumptions because we don’t have the courage to ask questions.
We make the assumption that everyone sees life the way we do. We assume that others think the way we think, feel the way we feel, judge the way we judge, and abuse the way we abuse. We have a fear of being ourselves around others because we think everyone else will judge us, victimize us, abuse us and blame us as we do ourselves. So even before others have the chance to reject us, we reject ourselves.
You overestimate or underestimate yourself because you haven’t taken the time to ask yourself questions and to answer them.
Often in relationships, you have to justify why you like that person. You only see what you want to see and deny there are things that you don’t like. “My love will change this person,” you assume. Your love will not change anybody. If others change, it’s because they want to, not because you can change them.
Real love is accepting other people the way they are without trying to change them. Find someone whom you don’t have to change at all.
The way to keep yourself from making assumptions is to ask questions. Make sure the communication is clear. If you don’t understand, ask. Have the courage to ask questions until you are as clear as you can be.
From The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz.
This is probably the agreement that shakes me the most. Becuase I have assumed a lot in my life, and it has indeed caused me drama.
Adding: —Accepting if you fuck up with no complaints. Allies are supposed to be permanent students of the experiences they don’t go through, which means being quiet when it’s time for school, and realizing that they WILL fuck up, they will fuck up very badly, and that is not the time to take your ball and go home. One of the largest signs of a good ally is an ally that realizes that they are not exempt from the behaviors of their fellow privileged group. —Never talking over targeted groups, but behind them. Be cognizant of what the targeted people are already doing, and follow their lead; this is not the time for you to be a four star general launching a damn battalion. This is when you need to blend in and keep your head down while you help. —Realizing that you may never “get anything” for what probably seems like really, really hard work. Cause let’s be frank, it’s not. It’s merely being a decent human being, and there are no cookies, no medals, no awards, and no thanks for it. If knowing that you are not an asshole who spends their day curb stomping people isn’t enough, you’re probably in the wrong line of business.
wouldn’t it be nice if everyone in the whole world could read this?
I try to always work on the assumption that when it comes to other cultures, sexualities and genders (except maybe heterosexuality) I’m really pretty ignorant. All I can do is try to learn a bit more about what it is like to be them and try to be as understanding/courteous/supportive as possible.
“[TRIGGER WARNING: misogyny, rape culture] ‘Cause the thing is, you and the guys you hang out with may not really mean anything by it when you talk about crazy bitches and dumb sluts and heh-heh-I’d-hit-that and you just can’t reason with them and you can’t live with ‘em can’t shoot ‘em and she’s obviously only dressed like that because she wants to get laid and if they can’t stand the heat they should get out of the kitchen and if they can’t play by the rules they don’t belong here and if they can’t take a little teasing they should quit and heh heh they’re only good for fucking and cleaning and they’re not fit to be leaders and they’re too emotional to run a business and they just want to get their hands on our money and if they’d just stop overreacting and telling themselves they’re victims they’d realize they actually have all the power in this society and white men aren’t even allowed to do anything anymore and and and…
I get that you don’t really mean that shit. I get that you’re just talking out your ass.
But please listen, and please trust me on this one: you have probably, at some point in your life, engaged in that kind of talk with a man who really, truly hates women–to the extent of having beaten and/or raped at least one. And you probably didn’t know which one he was.
That was a pretty powerful quote…listening all the things guys joke about (because, really! It’s all “just jokes!”) is almost triggering. But this quote is important, and I think people should read it and pass it around.
“I personally find it very difficult to tell the difference between love and close friendship. In fact, most of the time I dont see a difference, I often fall head over heels in love with my close friends. I think thats why I’m drawn to polyamory, I see very little difference between a very close friendship and a partner, and I would never want to give up a friend simply because I made friends with someone else. In fact, theres a couple of friends out there I would happily call myself as “in a relationship” with, if they were also alright with taking on that label at the moment. If your committed to sharing life experiences with someone, whether your having sex or using the term “boyfriend/girlfriend/partner” really doesnt mean much in emotional terms.”—How do you tell the difference between love, lust and close friendship? | formspring.me (via kaerast)
“Speed” axis: How quickly do you form connections/relationships in general? Fluid- more rapid in forming emotional and/or sexual connections. Growth- deliberate in forming emotional and/or sexual connections. Static- slow moving in forming emotional and/or sexual connections.
“Structure” axis: How would you describe your ideal poly relationship structure? Open- People come and go at will forming “polycules” which consist of individual dyadic relationships. Network- People often connect socially with metamours. Some sort of “get to know you” is usually requested or offered early on in becoming part of the extended group. Closed- Approval of existing members needed before new member is allowed to join.
“Attitude” axis: What level of entanglement is desired with partners and/or metamours? (I think I’m fluid on this one) Independent- Prefers to do their own thing with their own partner . Community- Enjoys being part of socially connected groups some of the time. Family- Actively prioritizes shared time and/or space with partners and metamours.
“Intimacy Style” axis: How is romantic closeness with others achieved? More than one may apply. Sexual – Connects with others via sharing physical intimacy. Emotional - Connects with others via sharing feelings. Activities and Shared Experience- Connects with others via sharing experience and spending time together.
Prioritization Axis: Hierarchical- priority is given to preservation of existing primary relationship/s. Weighted- some relationships are prioritized over others, but open to changes, adding an additional primary, etc. Egalitarian-committed to not prioritizing some relationships over others*
Relationship Saturation Axis: What would your ideal relationship concentration look like? Full-boat- completely satisfied with current relationship(s). Prefer relationships to dating. Open to opportunities to connect-neither closed off to forming new relationships, nor actively looking, but being closed to possibilities would feel restrictive. Actively seeking new partner(s)- Looking for new connections regardless of current partner status. Consistently open to dating and exploration.
Nature or Nurture Axis: Born Poly- Came out of the womb hardwired for multiple relationships. Being monogamous would feel unnatural. Poly by Choice- Poly makes sense, and is a desired style of relationship for a myriad of reasons. Unlikely to get into a monogamous relationship. Mono or Poly- Happy being open to either poly or mono, depending on circumstances in life, if current partner is open to poly, etcetera.
Flow of Information Axis: Confidential- No desire to hear about other partners/activities with and/or have information about the relationship they are involved in shared with metamours, unless explicitly approved in advance. Pertinent- Don’t need to have all the details, but want to have personally relevant information shared. Transparency- Desire the free flow of information about all relationships partners are involved in, and are comfortable with partner sharing that with metamours.
Formality Axis: Detailed- extensive agreements/contracts covering every eventuality. General- conscious agreements about a few major subjects. Short-term- temporary agreements only.
In addition, there were suggestions for the addition of a- Poly and Kinky Axis: -Poly, then kinky in relationship style. -Kinky, then poly in relationship style. -Poly, and not kinky in relationship style.
and- Voting Rights Axis: -Veto is part of my relationships. -Veto is part of my relationships, but only in early stages where emotional investment is low. -Veto isn’t part of my relationships. Ever.*
I bolded those that I felt fit my personal relationship style and added comments.
*I prefer consideration based relationships
Update: The original blog post I quoted this from has been deleted. See here instead.
“Rape culture is telling girls and women to be careful about what you wear, how you wear it, how you carry yourself, where you walk, when you walk there, with whom you walk, whom you trust, what you do, where you do it, with whom you do it, what you drink, how much you drink, whether you make eye contact, if you’re alone, if you’re with a stranger, if you’re in a group, if you’re in a group of strangers, if it’s dark, if the area is unfamiliar, if you’re carrying something, how you carry it, what kind of shoes you’re wearing in case you have to run, what kind of purse you carry, what jewelry you wear, what time it is, what street it is, what environment it is, how many people you sleep with, what kind of people you sleep with, who your friends are, to whom you give your number, who’s around when the delivery guy comes, to get an apartment where you can see who’s at the door before they can see you, to check before you open the door to the delivery guy, to own a dog or a dog-sound-making machine, to get a roommate, to take self-defense, to always be alert always pay attention always watch your back always be aware of your surroundings and never let your guard down for a moment lest you be sexually assaulted and if you are and didn’t follow all the rules it’s your fault.”—
I might just copy and paste this so I can have this perfect answer ready when people say things like “but how does this “rape culture” actually affect women?” (via holdmecloser-tonydanza)
Rape culture is the reason I am so fucking paranoid.
This is yet another incredible website filled with resources for everyday life. Books on polyamory, a weekly podcast, links to different online communities, an FAQ, and several resources (with cliche titles, but don’t judge!)
Hope this is helpful for at least a few individuals :) We’ll continue trying to find helpful resources for our followers
“If you’re gonna have pizza with someone else, what do you have to do? You gotta talk about what you want. Even if you’re going to have the same pizza you always have, you say, ‘We getting the usual?’ Just a check in. And square, round, thick, thin, stuffed crust, pepperoni, stromboli, pineapple — none of those are wrong; variety in the pizza model doesn’t come with judgment. So ideally when the pizza arrives, it smells good, looks good, it’s mouthwatering. Wouldn’t it be great if we had that kind of anticipation before sexual activity, if it stimulated all our senses, not just our genitals but this whole-body experience. And what’s the goal of eating pizza? To be full, to be satisfied. That might be different for different people; it might be different for you on different occasions. Nobody’s like ‘You failed, you didn’t eat the whole pizza.’”—NY Times: Tea
text book definition of my previous attitude on poly, as well as other subjects. although i’m more seated in this one issue, i won’t claim to be ‘cured’ of all my ignorance(s) but currently my mind and heart are open to learning/understanding and regardless of the outcome, realize it’s not my place to reject something just because i don’t agree with it.
I don’t think that it is unjustifiable to feel uncomfortable with the idea of a sexual partner going and having sex with another person. I don’t think that asserting boundaries like that (whether re: sex or intense intimacy) is inherently coercive.
People feel uncomfortable, but why? Most of them don’t even ask themselves that question. They don’t get to the root of the feeling. They just assume that they’re uncomfortable because monogamy is natural law and nonmonogamy is wrong. If someone were to say to me, “I want a life partner and I don’t want them to love anyone as much as they love me and I don’t want them to be emotionally intimate with anyone other than me and I don’t want them to be physically intimate (sexually or nonsexually) with anyone other than me,” I would ask them why. Why? What would happen if their partner experienced something with someone else? What is the person afraid of? Why is it okay for a friend to have other friends but not okay for a partner to have much of anything with anyone else? Why is this person’s happiness utterly dependent upon someone else’s obedience in virtually total monogamy?
I want a logical defense of this position. It’s not enough to say “well, that’s just how I feel, I don’t know why, and I’m not going to analyze it, just give me what I want.” Emotions are not these autonomous entities outside of us, with their own independent life force. They come from somewhere inside of us. They belong to us. We can control them, if we bother to try. There’s not enough introspection in the world.
Polyamorous people feel jealousy too and yet they work through it because they care more about their lifestyle than they do about appeasing that emotion. It’s not like poly people are magically born without a jealous part in their brain, thus giving them a special freedom that monogamous people lack. It’s about choice. If jealousy can be worked through, which it has been in many lives, then it’s not a sufficient excuse for a hardcore default to monogamy.
Monogamy works well for some people. And it works, fine. But I think they’re in the minority. Meanwhile, we have a shit load of people who try to make it work for them and either fail miserably or kinda, sorta make it work but still aren’t dazzlingly happy. Call me idealistic or whatever, but I don’t see why anyone should settle for a lifetime of blase, semi-happy relationship.
Hello- stepping in here as a monogamous demi-romantic asexual!
I’ve been following these posts and responses, but I’m lacking sleep currently so please excuse me if I misunderstand.
I’m quite aware that non-monogamous options exist. The idea of polyamory is super cool and I have some fantastically wonderful friends who are interested in forming non-monogamous relationships with people and have neat ways of connecting with others in intimate, non-romantic ways as well.
But I’m romantically monogamous.
I love people. Lots of people. So many people are important in my life, not just my romantic partner. I don’t have this kind of “scale” where romantic love is valued over other kinds of love. My feelings for my partner are different than how I feel about family, close friends, etc. And I’m not saying those feelings are “better,” but they are different, in my mind. That’s just how I feel.
My happiness isn’t dependent on a partner’s “obedience in virtually total monogamy” because- it’s not like…a demand. It’s not like “I will only be with you if you are this or that way.” I wouldn’t make demands of a partner like that. And I wouldn’t be with someone who made demands like that. But I feel monogamous. I don’t want to form a romantic connection like that with anyone other than the person I’m with, but that doesn’t stop me from forming other close, bonds with people on a platonic or emotional level.
Just like I don’t experience sexual attraction, I am unable to experience romantic attraction towards more than one person at a time. And I’m fine with that—it’s what works for me and it is what makes me happy. It’s not some justification I’ve made to myself, because I am quite aware of the other options out there, but those other options do not work for me. Perhaps I’m part of the “minority” of people monogamy actually works for, but then again- is it really a minority? I’m not sure.
All relationship orientations, monogamous or non-monogamous, are okay. There is nothing wrong with being monogamous if you are actually monogamous. However demanding absolute monogamy from your partner due to jealousy or insecurity can be unhealthy. Refusing to allow yourself or your partner to have and pursue a non-monogamous relationship style, especially without even analyzing why you want this, can result in a less than fulfilling relationship.
If I was to steal a chocolate bar because it was sitting at the counter looking all tasty, it’d be theft. Nobody would say but oh, look at the creamy picture on the packaging. It was taunting him. He had no choice. It was instinct. Impulse. Drives and desires beyond his control.
If I walked into some person’s home and said I lived there, I’d be arrested. Nobody would say to the owners that they should invest in curtains so that people couldn’t see how nice their house was so easily. Nobody would tell them that they were ‘asking for it’.
And if I beat a guy up because he was a loud mouth I’d be charged. Nobody would say oh but look at him, he’s a dick. He’s got gel in his hair and he’s wearing a shirt that says “How about a nice cup of shut the fuck up”. The dude is a wanker, he got what he deserved. More importantly, even if they did say that, it wouldn’t effect my charges.
But if a woman is wearing a short skirt then it will dramatically sway people’s opinions in a rape case. Was it cut above the knee? Was your waist showing? These are serious questions that will be asked in a court case.
NOTE: This post is focused on harassment by cis men against cis women. It is not meant to erase other people’s experiences or suggest that this is the only type of harassment that occurs. It just happens to be the type which I can relate to the most as a cis female. In addition, I feel the relationship between power and gender roles makes gender relevant to this discussion.
I think most women at some point or another have experienced some form of sexual harassment. I once had a guy come up and grope my ass while I was making out with a girl in a gay bar. In this situation, I just gave him the finger then ignored him. In hindsight, I wish I’d reacted differently.
Women are selected for harassment because they are perceived as good targets.
A ‘good target’ is a person who will respond in a way that makes the harasser look and feel powerful.
If the harasser gets the response he is looking for, either submission or over-reaction, the situation will probably continue and usually get worse.
Men who sexually harass women are attempting to compensate for a feeling of weakness and inadequacy.
I think this really gets to the crux of the issue. Submitting, overreacting or ignoring will all make the harasser feel vindicated, and probably more confident. (Harriet J has an excellent post about why women typically react this way.) So what can we do when confronted? Maybe the best way to react to a creepy guy is to take away their control by doing something unexpected.
Strategy 1: Pointing and laughing
I have one female friend who has been in the situation where a man has taken his pants off completely uninvited. She said pointing and laughing made him shrink pretty quickly.
Brent Sanders has another variation on this:
Most guys in this type of situation have one, maximum two ‘good’ lines they can use. What they say is not important; what is important is how you respond... Whatever he says, say and do nothing; just keep staring at him but give him nothing.
I now want you to focus on something just above his head. It’s a big sign: DICKHEAD - and the longer he stands there the brighter it gets! Now I want you to think about your dog and say to yourself ‘This guy is just like my dog’.
Simply imagine or visualize the guy in front of you standing there in a big dog suit and now start to giggle, then let the giggle turn into a polite chuckle, the chuckle into a chortle and finally really let yourself go and have a bloody good laugh… One of your girlfriends… knows exactly what’s going on and races over to join you. She too is laughing aloud, pointing to the guy and saying, ‘It’s him; look, it’s the dog, I knew it was going to be him!’ A third friend now joins you in the hilarity and points knowingly at our somewhat bemused friend.
Of course some guys might try to regain a level of control by throwing a few insults at you, such as ‘What are you laughing at you stupid…’ My advice would be to recognize this response for what it is - a desperate attempt to engage you in a slanging match - so just stand your ground and keep laughing.
There is one thing the next guy who harasses you is totally unprepared for, one thing he is paranoid about, has no defense for: being laughed at.
Strategy 2: Do something weird and unexpected
Of course you could try Jenna Marbles approach:
These are just a few thoughts. What do you think is a good or bad response to this type of harassment?
Sign this petition if you are sick of the erasure of assuming binary gender.
I urge you to formally recognize the millions of people worldwide whose genders go beyond male or female by allowing other gender identities in Facebook’s profile fields. It’s a simple but significant change that would allow trans and gender variant users to be visible, recognized and - most importantly - respected.
I urge Facebook to continue to build on equitable past actions - such as recognizing domestic partners - and act quickly to change your policy and website to respect and recognize the diversity of all members’ gender identities.”
Also, I do count asexual aromantics as “queer enough” and not just because I am one myself. There is, after all, no arbitrary amount one needs to be “oppressed” to count as queer, as that is neither in the definition of “queer” itself as a sexuality, or the fine print that folks like to pretend exists whenever convenient.
I want to specifically focus on the bolded.
For me, it is relevant to mention that a lot of white cisgender queers are up in arms about the whole asexual thing. It’s funny that you are claiming someone is not oppressed enough or equally enough for queerness, when you are not the ones being vilified the MOST for being queer.
Yes, white queers, you aren’t the most oppressed of queers. Queers experience varying levels of oppression, and there’s this thing called kyriarchy if you hadn’t heard of it, folks.
I am not trying to pull an oppression olympics game, but I am trying to get white queers (and other queers on my dash that have made anti-ace sentiments) understand that trying to do this laundry list of “well aces don’t get forcibly/corrective rape” (really, cuz last time I checked women were allowed to be condemned in insane asylums for not having sex with their husbands. What if they were ace?) or “aces can still get married” (uh not non-binary/trans of same biological sex).
Not all queers are alike, so what is the problem of having asexuals be queer?
FIRST of all, hon, I am not anti-ace. I am anti-QUEER APPROPRIATION. Get that fucking straight.
The simple fucking answer to why all aces aren’t queer is plain in your fucking face. QUEER IS NOT A SLUR USED AGAINST ACES AS A GROUP. It doesn’t mean SHIT how much sex they have. It’s not about arbitrary amounts of being oppressed. It’s not about being “weird” and “outside of the norm”. IT’S ABOUT USING SLURS NOT AIMED AT YOU.
But I guess since I JUST had to fucking tell you not to do this with racial slurs, you insist on missing that point.
Queer isn’t just a slur anymore. It isn’t equivalent to a term like ‘nigga’. It’s also a blanket term for everyone who is non-cisgendered and/or non-heterosexual. It is more inclusive than GLBT. At my univerisity we have a ‘Queer department’ and a ‘Queer lounge’. Asexuals/aromantics are welcome in both. It is not misappropriating a slur to call asexuals Queer. Asexuals are a sexual minority and so can be considered Queer in the modern, reclaimed sense of the word. It would be an erasure to exclude them. What’s more, people should be able to choose a label that fits them, even if that label has a different meaning to you.
“Give your children words, about themselves, and their body. Naming is powerful. Teach them that they have a right to their body, that no one, not even you, own them, or have rights to their body. That they always and forever belong to themselves, always. Teach them what bodies do. Yes, even at a young age. I promise you, keeping kids in the dark will not stop sexual exploration. It will not magically make them innocent. It will just make them alone in the dark.”—
Possible rape triggering below, please be advised.
“Eventual” consent is not true consent, in regards to having sex. Coercion and emotional manipulation are as bad as physical force. Anything less than 100% consent without pressure to consent from others is rape.
I removed the rest of your text because I’m not sure if you’re comfortable with me reblogging a personal story. But I wanted to say I can empathize a little with how you feel. I had sexual experiences as a teen that I only questionably consented to (felt uncomfortable but afraid to say no, was manipulated into it, etc). It wasn’t really until I began running this blog that I began to think about my own experiences. I think it’s something a lot of people struggle with, because it’s easier to hear a friend or a partner’s story and understand that they were abused. When it’s your own story, all that internalized victim-blaming rape culture crap is there and it makes you still feel like there was something you could have and should have done. It’s a constant unlearning process, for me and I suspect a lot of others also.
I have just started reading How Dangerous Men Think and so far I have mixed feeling about it. It is a self defense book designed to help women protect themselves from men in cases of sexual harassment, sexual assault and rape. It focuses on the psychology of these dangerous men and gives strategies to handle various situations. I have two main criticisms. The first is that, even though this book aims to empower and does not make excuses for these men, it still puts the onus on preventing these situations on the victim. The second is that the author appears to think that if a woman has the confidence to really fight back she will be able to get out of any dangerous situation. If the stories I have read of my fellow Tumblr bloggers are any indication, physically fighting back doesn’t always work. The author portrays the freeze response as always unhelpful and fails to address the problems of victim blaming. Keeping these things in mind, I think this book is certainly worth a read. It might not necessarily protect you from every dangerous situation, but there are situations where it might be useful. Like knowing how to deal with that the creepy guy at the party.
“When one woman puts her experiences into words, another woman who has kept silent, afraid of what others will think, can find validation. And when the second woman says aloud, ‘yes, that was my experience too,’ the first woman loses some of her fear.”—Carol Christ